Sunday, October 29, 2017

Misery is boredom

I'm beginning to remember why I disliked college. It's definitely not for everyone, but I think I'm in too deep to stop now. I am reconsidering my overall education. My dreams of going for an MA or PhD are slowly dissipating. My toil now is an existential one; what's my next step? Who am I? What am I meant to do? 

Simply, I want to do what I like without consequence, but I regrettably don't have the money for that sort of lifestyle. If I could only find that one niche that allowed me the freedom to emerge from my current state into a new paradigm I think I could finally be satisfied; but what's the key? What's the one thing I can do that will allow me to blossom into some sort of savant? It really can't be so cryptic that it should remain hidden for all of my life. 

I suppose I have to restructure my thoughts (again) and find some other hidden meaning in my mind and life that I'm ignoring or overlooking. A big part of me feels like I should return to the arts and get back into drawing and painting, but how many times have I promised myself that?

My studies are progressing I suppose, but maybe I'm not studying something that truly drives me anymore. I love my major, but maybe I've chosen the wrong minor? Maybe I have to try something new to feel a sort of refreshment? I'm not sure really. 

All I want to do is watch horror movies and eat junk food, but sadly I don't think I will have that sort of luxury for many months to come. 

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