Saturday, December 9, 2017

ATTENTION HU-MANS! Earth's Fourth Universal SLACK FRIDAY Has Already STARTED! SubGenius Holiday Gift Ordainment Special BUY 1 GET 1 FREE!

It's that time of year again where we prepare for next years invasion by stocking up on ordainment kits! It's a proven scientific fact that the more SubGenius kits you own, the holier you are. Imagine having more than one reverend card during the impending invasion! You'd be unstoppable! Not to mention all of the sexy alien babes who will notice how studly you are. 

Below is just a sneak peak to all of the amazing stuff held within this kit. Can your hearts stand the shocking facts and esoteric secrets held from you from other lesser and more jealous priesthoods!

An official word from Reverend Ivan Stang:
"We’re so deeply imbued with Slack that we totally forgot about Slack Friday last Friday when the Two-Salvations-for-One Sale would traditionally have started! Probably would have continued to blow it off, had not that scalawag, Rev. Peas, reminded us! 

And GET THIS: they’re ALL NEW MEMBERSHIP PACKS! Not only are they fresh-baked, straight out of the oven, printed last weekend, but they have THE NEW TEXAS ADDRESS on every single one of the 25 elements of a Memb-Pack Ordainment Kit! (Except the Pamphlets and the Minister’s Card which we’re still waiting for.) AND THERE ARE TWO NEW ACCESSORIES!: the Short Duration Marriage Certificate and the ShorDurMar CEREMONY SCRIPT! 

Those “new” additions were documents created by Jesus and myself in the previous century just for individual weddings; I forgot about them; found them again during our move, and decided they should be included in every Ministerial Ordainment Kit. Using Photoshop, I changed the address on the old digital masters just like I did on the other 25 original Memb-Pack pages… including the “AD SHEETS” that each show the Church HQ address TWO DOZEN TIMES! And in differing fonts and sizes! This took about one day’s work; I’ve done it once before, when we moved from Texas to Cleveland, but this is probably the last time I’ll have to do it. BOX 807, GLEN ROSE TX 76043 is PERMANENT.

Moreover! All these new Membership Pack items were printed LOCALLY. I didn’t even have to drive to Fort Worth this year, because a FedEx Office opened in the next town over, shadowed, storied Granbury! PRAISE “BOB”! Wei and I spent a couple of fun evenings collating the parts and assembling the packs in a veritable STANGDOE ASSEMBLY LINE — while rocking! Doing “pick-n-pack” is actually SLACKFUL if you “suffer from”  OCD and can blast your fave pop tunes on a boom box while you’re doing it with your sweetie! As it were." - Reverend Ivan Stang, Sacred Scribe of the Church of the SubGenius

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