Saturday, December 30, 2017

My first marriage as a marriage officiant; Congratulations Kim & Randall!

So last year I received my first SubGenius Ordination Kit and signed up with the Universal Life Church (because New York State has strict rules about this sort of thing), and this year I finally registered myself with the New York City's City Clerk Office as a Marriage Officiant, giving me the legal power to marry anyone within the four boroughs. Now even though I did this, I never thought anyone would take me up on my offer of officiating a marriage; but it finally happened. 

My two longtime friends, Kim & Randall, decided to tie-the-knot and have a SPONTANEOUS MARRIAGE before the year was over (but because they're always late we can't actually register their marriage until a few days into 2018). Still, we had a simple, drink-filled ceremony in my mom's apartment where they first kindled their romance with each other one faithful day over 5 years ago. 

I put on my best and only fez (a novelty fez based on the old Laurel and Hardy film "Sons of the Desert" from Fez-o-Rama), clipped on my "Bob" pin, and vaguely memorized the legalities of what the hell I was supposed to do. We did the ceremony in front of the modern arc of the covenant, a television, during a "Harry Potter" marathon, and both bride and groom wore their Hogwarts varsity jackets. It was not planned this way, but the universe made it so.

And because I was smart enough to order new Ordination Kits during the Slack Friday season, I was able to provide for Kim & Randall a Short-Duration-Marriage-Certificate to commemorate the event, as well as conduct the marriage ceremony using the Short-Duration-Marriage-Ceremony instructions provided by the Church of the SubGenius.

As mentioned, the ceremony went pretty well all things considered, and we were all a little drunk. All the official papers are signed by yours truly, and I will be delivering them to the City Clerk's office sometime this week when my schedule allows it. 

Many, many congratulations to Kim & Randall, I hope your time together is both wonderful and exciting. May J.R. "Bob" Dobbs guide you both towards ever increasing Slack through the Luck Plane, and may JHVH-1 not crush you under his STARK FIST OF REMOVAL, but instead have mercy on you, with his SLACK FIST OF RETRIEVAL. 

Hugs and kisses. You'll get my bill eventually. Cash or PayPal is fine.