Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Spinning through the abyss in search of worth

Although I would love to invoke some sort of ancient and esoteric wisdom for this post, I honest to "Bob" can't think of a fucking thing. My Pococurante brethren would be very upset with me indeed. 

Currently, I am getting over a powerful and abnormal flu that I've been battling for what feels like weeks now. It's been awful, but today I made a breakthrough; I have finally regained my senses of taste and smell. For a while everything just smelled like iron and metal because my sinuses were filled with blood, and all food was somewhat bland. Needless to say, compared to yesterday I feel like a million dollars today. 

In my sickness I found myself reflecting on my current physical and mental state. I have been unwell for years. Depressed, cynical, out of shape, and far too lethargic to give a damn about my own well-being and quality of life. My academic failures really brought me down as well. I was in a dark place late last year especially, and I am still in the process of recovering from those dark thoughts that entered my mind. Because I was so sick recently because of this horrible flu, I felt more trapped in my head than usual, and I think you know what I mean. I was unable to breathe properly, sleep properly, my bones and muscles hurt, and I could barely speak or swallow my food. My body was transforming more and more into a prison. 

So there I was, swimming in the abyss of my own thoughts what this meme appeared on Twitter. I haven't seen "Avenger Endgame" yet, but I already know all the spoilers. This really struck a cord with me, and even without full context I found it profound. 

Thor had become fat and depressed and did not feel as though he was still worthy of calling upon his magic hammer, but, he was wrong. Even though he hated himself for failing to kill Thanos, Thor was still very much worthy. It could be the case that I've possibly misjudged myself as well. 

I'm not certain as of yet of what actions I will take to start rebuilding my future, but there are a few things I have to consider. I guess these are the foundations for my current future. 
  • A return to college with the intent of graduation
  • A near one month expedition to the Philippines this December - January
  • A true attempt at weight-loss because going to the Philippines in my current form may very well kill me. 
  • Attempt to find a second job to finally pay off my debts. 
  • Lastly; to try and become certified in something dealing with media production. 
The quest for Slack is not one of laziness. To reach the equilibrium I desire I have to make some critical sacrifices and work inhumanly hard to find that zone where I can finally live at peace with myself.


I was introduced to this prolific and wonderful artist via Dobbs.Town, where he and I are both citizens. I purchased two of his albums off of Bandcamp and they're both excellent. If you're looking for music to play during your next invocation, exorcism, or incantation, why not give Afrika Pseudobruitismus a shot? 

"KUSO" (Exclusively on Shudder)

"Kuso" is a wonderfully disgusting metaphysical anthology film about the denizens of L.A. after a horrifying earthquake left them in a oozing purgatory where maybe they were better off dead. Everyone is mutated to some degree, the world they live in is now filled with demons, monsters, aliens, and interdimensional bastards. 

In all honesty I hadn't felt this alive while watching a movie in YEARS. And I did finally watch "Mandy", but that this film really spoke to me on an ethereal level. My DNA has been altered, my chakras disjointed, and my akashic records are so jumbled they don't even matter anymore. 

I love this movie, and I hope to one day shake the hand of the person who directed it.

I found a toy shop in my neighborhood!

Toy collecting has gotten more difficult in recent years. Kids don't seem to like toys like they did in my generation growing up. It feels like they've been replaced entirely by video games and apps. And now that Toys R' Us no longer exists here in the US, finding any sort of toy store is basically a novelty. I live in a remote area in Queens, and it's pretty barren here. One cheap bookstore, no clothing shops within walking distance, and the nearest supermarket is about a mile away. But! I did happen to find a large pharmacy houses a respectable selection of toys in its basement! 

It's like an oasis for someone like me. Not that I can really afford to splurge on such luxuries these days, I still find it comforting to know that a mere twenty minute walk can take me to this beautiful place. They have new items, and older items. A huge selection of Legos and construction toys, action figures, dolls, and even weird novelties. 

These "Fartist Club" figures are beautifully sculpted. I may pick up one or two for my shelves.

I did end up purchasing a discount package of Gormiti figures and a Trump splat ball. No regrets.

The Bug Ladies of Marvel

And while we're talking about toys, I should share these as well. A local comic shop (one of a few left here in NYC) inherited a bunch of wacky-tacky 90's action figures and I was fortunate to get a few. Bride of Venom, Silver Sable (with Beetle Buster), and a very strange Wasp figure with a robotic wasp sidekick/armor. 

More comics headed to storage

As I continue my sad task of packing up my things for storage, this particular batch hurt the most. Some of these are my favorite old comics. For the sake of space though, it has to be done. 

Recent additions to my toy shelf

I'm happy that Pogs are back in the form of Retro Kaps. I just had to buy the tube.The McDonald's Avengers toys were an accidental purchase, honest. I somehow ended up going for fast-food a few times over the course of a week because of certain errands, so I figured why not. I don't expect to buy anymore though. As as always, my favorite figures are my collection of cheap plastic dinosaurs.  

Museum of Sex, NYC

Now this was a magical experience. Sexual positivity is something that has lacked in my life, and this place has filled that void for me. I even reconnected with an old friend while there. Genuinely a beautiful place. I can't wait to go back someday soon.

Coney Island

Right before I got sick I took a trip with the family to Coney Island. It's still a nice place even though it's even more of a tourist trap than ever. It was nice seeing remnants of Astroland while there too. 

Kick Axe, Brookyln

I'M GOOD AT THROWING AXES! Seriously, I'm a savant. I want to go back to this place all the time and get better. I need bigger axes to throw!

Japan Village

Lastly, my friends and I took a trip to this massive complex filled with different shops. It's a really wonderful use of the space there, and I really loved Japan Village. There was a market, different restaurants, and of course crazy Japanese snacks! Brooklyn really is filled with fun places these days.

Until next time dear ones.