Death is so distressing. Like, it's probably not the worst thing that could happen to a person, but it's might be the second or third worst. Death has been looming over all of us since the moment we were conceived, and the moment we were both we were filled with the hopes and dreams of our families of what we could potentially become in this world. I guess that's kinda like fate if you squint hard enough. Some of us follow that road and some of us shrug it off and go our own way. Some folks ignore responsibility while others do their best to uphold it. But eventually we all end up in the space place.
Death has been on my my mind ever since last November when a good friend of mine passed away on my birthday. I never really shook it off, and honestly it's probably going to haunt me forever. A month after she passed away I went on a month long trip to the Philippines where I experienced life in ways I never thought I could. And when I returned to the US, there was the looming pandemic; something that I heard about while in the Philippines but never considered it could follow me back to the states.
One of my turtles recently died due to a freak accident. We only had Princess Mary in our lives for a few years, and I did my absolute best to take care of her but when I realized what had happened it was too late. This only happened a few weeks ago and I'm still dealing with the loss.
Recently, my grandfather (my mom's father) and my father both fell into some very complicated health issues due to their advancing ages. They're both in their 90's and it shows. They're clearly not the men they once were and it's both heartbreaking and frightening. Watching them and how they suffer now is like staring death in the eyes.
And lately, my heart has been giving me trouble, and it feels like the circulation in my body has stalled to a near halt. I'm stressed, and filled with anxiety. I've worked all throughout the quarantine period in a very tiring overnight job. The pandemic left my city in a state of purgatory. For weeks as I traveled to work by public transport I didn't see a single person. The death toll kept rising but I kept going to work. It's the stress of that period plus the possible deaths of my father and grandfather that are really starting to weigh me down I feel. I feel like I may actually die this year.
But I'm sure we've all tripped over that thought recently. This year that the Conspiracy calls "2020" is of course programmed to make us feel that way because it's been so fucking awful! These are not the End Times we were promised by biblical prophecies! Where are the demons, angels, and hot ladies riding three-headed dragons! THIS IS THE BULLSHIT END TIMES BECAUSE IT'S ALL SO DESOLATE AND LONELY!
I wanted the end of the world to look like GODZILLA KING OF THE MONSTERS dammit! Where are the monsters? The angels and demons? Have they also abandoned us?! Why does 2020 have to be the loneliest year! Everyone is in isolation, quarantined and on their own!